Best Poker Comeback Lines: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

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We’ve all been there. You’re raking in a big pot, and okay, so possibly you sucked out with a gutter, or hit your set with a two-outter on the river, crushing rockets. And yeah, the loser is a tad ticked off. So he zings you with the most stinging words he can think of. Or, perhaps you’re just sitting next to a man who is a bit tipsy, more obnoxious than a 13-year-old boy reading Playboy, or just plain gross.

Having had the “pleasure” of meeting many of these types in Las Vegas (and other) casinos through the years, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the topic of comeback comments; and it’s always good to have a “cheat sheet” to refer to when these zaps come your way. So that you don’t have to scramble to be clever when struck like a deer in headlights with these verbal daggers, I forthwith offer up my very best comeback lines, (virtually guaranteed to shut the zingers up,) and sometimes with the added bonus of deservedly embarrassing them as well, so that hopefully they will think twice before they speak again!

So, as a public service to women poker players everywhere, I now give you my best “tried-and-true” poker comeback lines. Feel free to use them whenever you see fit.

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They say: “I love that call every time”

What’s behind it:

Embarrassed that you’ve caught them overplaying a marginally good hand that could certainly be beat with any number of decent and perfectly respectable draws, the loser is trying to maintain dignity with the old “the best defense is a good offense” tactic, by telling the table you’re an idiot to play that way. Who cares? You paid your money and now THEIR money is your money!

So, show them that you don’t care what they think, and that you are not to be dissed at any time with this line:

Your Comeback:

And I love raking the pot with it this time!

 

They say: “You talk too much”

What’s behind it

No one ever says this unless they are a) male and b) losing money (and/or had a big fight with the wife earlier in the day about their gambling losses.) This is not the public library or a movie theatre. If they don’t like people who talk, maybe they should stay home and play online, where they can hit the “silent chat” button. (Speaking of which, if you do, you should; no reason to listen to international idiots abuse you in seven languages!) They also have the Ipod option, so really, this is 100% their issue, not yours!

Comeback:

Oh, I’m so sorry, sir!! I thought this was a casino, my bad. Now that I know it’s really a retreat in the Himalayas, I won’t say another word . . . to you.

(Note: Be sure to give a deadly and phony smile that lasts a couple of seconds too long to the offender at the end of this line, and then completely ignore them for the rest of the night.)

 

They say: “What does your husband do?”

What’s behind it:

We all know this is a man’s clumsy way of fishing to see if you’re available and/or  if he needs to worry about your bodybuilder husband/boyfriend showing up in 10 minutes and knocking the speaker’s lights out.

My advice is, (unless you actually think the dude is hot enough to flirt with,) give him nothing; it’s none of his damned business anyway. It will drive him nuts and make him call you next time when you have the nuts, so you get the added bonus of taking his money!

Comeback:

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

 

They say: “You should be home cooking where you belong”

What’s behind it

I think we all know (and yes, I have actually had men say this to me!) They’re insecure, probably lacking in certain areas of male prowess, and often have Napoleon complex, just for starters. Nonetheless, it’s just too much fun and way too easy to put ’em in their doxycycline online pharmacy rightful place: on the short bus to bozoville!

Comeback:

Hey, did you know women are now allowed to vote? In my country, we are even allowed to speak in public!

 

They say: “You could have gotten all my chips”

What’s behind it:

This is a sure sign that someone’s embarrassed you got any of their chips! So, once again, (and 99% of the time, this will be coming from a guy,) they’ve got to try and save face to their peers. They are feeling like a fool when they say this, believe me! Although the immediate temptation is to get defensive at their intended “dis” yourself, use this moment, instead, as a divine opportunity to mess with their pointed little heads. The great thing about this comeback is, they won’t really be 100% sure if you got their dig.

Comeback:

These tables aren’t very steady, I’m worried about my chipstacks falling over. Once I color these up, though, I’ll go ahead and work on adding to my towers.

 

They say: “You didn’t play that hand right”

What’s behind it

More efforts at humiliating you. These comments almost invariably come from neophyte male players who have read a couple of poker books and usually have never been in a casino before. They can’t believe you aren’t betting the way “the book” says to play, or that their moronic bluff with $150 on the river was called, forcing them to instamuck.

Comeback:

Oh, I’m sorry! Could you autograph your book for me so I can read it later? (smile sweetly when you say this, and look them right in the eye.)

Again, they will be unsure if you are expressing admiration or disdain. Yes, these men are that full of themselves!

 

They say: “Wanna get a drink/dinner/go to my hotel room?”

What’s behind it

Boredom . . . horniness . . . a desire to “innocently” fool around on the missus who’s back home or out shopping or, they’re just testing to see if they’ve still “got it” with an unknown woman. Trust me when I tell you, a relationship of more than two hours is seldom in their gameplan. So, come back at him with a zinger that’s lets him know you know this, and have a far more exciting life than he could ever match (even if you don’t, it’s still fun to smack him around a little!)

Comeback:

I’d love to, but my sugar daddy is flying in on the Lear and I’m just waiting for his text so I can go meet him at his Bellagio penthouse suite, where the butler is whipping us up a six-course meal, after which we have the hotel limo at our disposal. Otherwise, I really wouldn’t have been able to resist.

 

They say: What do you do for a living?

What’s behind it

Curiousity perhaps . . . or more likely, he wants to know how big your bankroll is likely to be. Again, it’s none of his business (unless you’re having a genuinely riveting conversation in which you are both sharing said info and you actually want to tell him).

The truth is, (if he’s smart), he should take anything you say in this department with a grain of salt anyway (and vice versa), so go ahead and mess with his mind and put some doubt in his next all-in move against you!

Comeback:

I’m independently wealthy, but I don’t like to flaunt it, so I just play these smaller games.

 

So, there you have it: eight great comeback lines for you to use at the tables when you just don’t know quite what to say. Now you can have them at the ready for future use, and simply focus on your game without worrying about how you’re going to respond to strange men. Keep this handy-dandy list in your pocket, and refer to it when and as needed. It should give you a great conversational EV (expected value) over a lifetime of casino poker!

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